no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
