All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
