Need sex. Gaining weight.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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