she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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