i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
