I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
