Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize