I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
