his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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