I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
