I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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