The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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