she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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