I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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