i think i have two assholes
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
