So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
