don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
