Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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