you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
