she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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