So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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