I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
