I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
