She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
