Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
