chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
