I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
