This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
