Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
