i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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