Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
