Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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