He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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