i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
