just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
