Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Come see our sink grown plant.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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