i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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