The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
