Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
