nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
