I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
