At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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