btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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