Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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