If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Watching her eat just hurts me
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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