Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
