I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
