you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
