I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
