i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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