gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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