You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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