maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
