she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
