R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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