Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
