if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
