I think my vagina is haunted
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
