I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
