Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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