Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
