At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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