I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
