I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
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