hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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