i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
